Breathing In The Rain
by HELLO I'M
Summary: Some Sam-Cas H/C after 9x10 "Road Trip". Sam is devastated by the events previous to Dean's departure. Cas is feeling way out of his league, but he's not giving up on his friend quite yet. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Supernatural**_**.**

**A/N: I've been working on my pacing and I think I'm getting better. If it seems to be going too slow or fast, feel free to call me out on it (:**  
**This CAN be taken as Sassy if you so choose. I wrote it as friendship, but if you're here looking for some light Sastiel H/C go for it. I don't care.**  
**Basically this fic came about because I really needed some more Sam-Cas interaction (I know, I'm a little greedy). I've only seen a few fics that are on the same page as I am, so I decided to personally contribute to the cause. **  
**Please feel free to leave a review.**

**{-0-}**

Sam kept his eyes firmly planted on the ground, too ashamed and afraid to look up.

How could he have let this happen?

"Sam." Castiel called softly.

Sam squeezed his eyes shut. Warmth pooled beneath his lids, threatening to poor out at any minute. He was grateful, at least, that the rain was able to hide his humiliation.

He heard the angel shuffle around awkwardly, unsure about what to do. And why shouldn't he be? It wasn't Cas' job to put Sam back together, to fix the broken man before him. That was Sam's responsibility alone, it would be unfair to put his friend in that position.

"Can you - can you just take me home? Please? Cas?" He choked, his voice hoarse and raw with emotion.

"Of course Sam." Cas agreed gently.

Sam still refused to meet his eyes, terrified at what the other might see. Another failure? Another incompetence?

He felt ashamed and humiliated. This was all his goddamned fault! He should have been smarter, should have been able to tell there was another presence in his body (_was it even _his _any more?_). He should've been able to tell that Dean was lying, was keeping secrets and hiding something (_it's nothing Sam, just an after affect of the Trials_.). He should've fought harder to-to (_to what? _Die_? _Live_? He didn't even know any more._).

Sam's eyes shut tight, attempting to just _forget_. "Please, Cas." _Please, just take me away from here. Please, just take me home. I just want to go home._

Cas was hesitant in lifting his finger, slowly moving towards Sam as if the man were a frightened animal ready to bolt at any second.

Sam, for his part, didn't show the angel an ounce of fear. He stood still, eyes averted, not even so much as flinching. Cas acknowledged this, but still refused to give up his steady pace. The last thing he wanted to do right now was scare his friend and push him into something he might not truly want.

His fingers slowly connected with Sam's skin and all the once the two found themselves in the Bunker.

Sam's breath caught in his throat. He was standing barely ten feet from where he -where _Gadreel _murdered Kevin not long ago.

The body was gone, but the memories weren't. Those...those were fresh and drowning in pain and guilt and shame. (_God, how he could he have been so stupid? So _weak_? He should have been able to _stop _this! Kevin was _his _responsibility. (You couldn't even pick up the damn phone?) (Kevin Tran...P-please don't kill me.) (I'm _dead _you bastards!) (He was our responsibility.) Kevin's blood was on _his _hands, it won't matter how many times he scrubs, his fingernails will always be stained in red._)

"Sam!"

God, he couldn't breathe. His lungs were _burning_, his whole body was shaking so bad his knees buckled and gave out on him. His eyesight was blurred and watery, tears dripping down his face.

Through the fuzz, he saw the murky figure of Cas reaching for him in a panic.

"Don't." Sam wheezed, stumbling back, "Don't touch...me."

Cas froze, but Sam could still make out the worry in his stance.

He fell to his butt, trusting Cas enough to heed his warning and remain where he stood. Putting his head between his legs, the younger Winchester started forcing his breathing back to normal.

"Sam-"

"No." He rasped, shaking his head, "No, no."

He was saying _no_, dammit! No means no. It means _no_.  
Fuck, goddammit! He wasn't saying yes. He was _never _saying yes again. He didn't _want _to be a vessel! (_Team Free Will._) (_Is that a 'yes'?_) **No**. No, never. Never again.  
God! Just make it _stop_!

Sam's breathing slowly returned to normal, but he made no indication of moving from his spot. His head remained bowed between his legs, his hair covering his face, a thin curtain dividing him and the outside world.

"Sam?" Cas hesitated, not coming any closer.

Sam winced, he didn't want to say anything. He didn't _mean _to say anything. The words just fell out, "Why, Cas? _Why _would he do this to me?" He felt so humiliated. He was sitting here _crying _because his brother...God, he felt sick just thinking about, "It's-it's not supposed to be like this. We're supposed to be done lying to each other, you know? Supposed to-to have _learned _from our mistakes. So why? Just _why_? It never works out, Cas. Never.

...Is it...is it _me_? It this my fault? Am-am I being punished for what I did? What I _am_-?" _The boy with the demon blood. The monster -the _vampire _that needed to be hunted. The kid who let Lucifer out of the box. The betrayer, liar, deceiver. The failure. The-_

"That enough, Samuel." Cas growled.

Sam's head snapped up. Nobody had used his full name since he was a teenager.

For the first time that night, Sam met his friend's eyes.

Sam looked the epitome of despair. His eyes were red and puffy, haunted in ways Cas couldn't even begin to understand. Small streams falling down his cheeks, pooling down beneath his neck and chin. His skin was pale and sickly, save for the small patches of redness on his cheeks, burned bright from the crying.

"May I approach you?" Cas asked politely.  
Sam blinked in surprise and nodded.

The angel kneeled in front of him, bringing himself down to Sam's height.

"May I...touch you?"

Sam might have laughed had the situation not been so...depressing. As it were, he only thought about it for a second before agreeing, "Okay." He mumbled.

"Thank you." Cas muttered, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. It was a light touch. So light, Sam could barely feel the weight of it. It was the warmth, though, that almost made him want to lean into it. Almost.

"Samuel." There is was, that name again. Spoken like it'd never been spoken in his life: calm and kind. "I can't tell you why your brother did what he did, that is something only you two can work out for yourselves.

But I can tell you this: you are a...remarkable human being. You are deeply flawed, you've made mistakes that have cost you much, you've been lied to and deceived, your very soul has suffered horrors one couldn't imagine.

...Yet, you have not broken. You are still the kindest man I know. You are still the most faithful man I know. You are not being punished.

...Do you know what God does when one prays for strength? He gives them burdens others can't bare so they may come out stronger on the other side.

This is not punishment, this is a test of faith.

Sam, I have seen you do incredible things. Things I have doubted you'd be able to do. For that, I'm sorry. I know you, Sam Winchester, and I know you will be able to make it through this. You are not weak, you are a good man and I know you will not let this be what defines you. Sam."

Sam was floored. He was shocked and awed and he couldn't even remember the last time he'd felt this good about himself. "Cas."

The angel looked suddenly self-conscious, "I'm sorry. That was too much. It's not really my place-" He jerked his body as if to get up.

"Wait, wait." Sam stopped him, grabbing his sleeve, "I just...Thank you." He whispered, "Cas, thank you."

Cas smiled proudly, "You're welcome, Sam."

For a moment it was quiet. One might say it was even a little peaceful.

"You should probably rest." Cas suggested.

Sam cleared his throat, "Yeah. Yeah, okay. Help me up?"

The angel softly tugged at Sam's arm, pulling the Hunter to his feet.

As soon as Sam was vertical again, the world swayed and quickly disappeared in a haze of black. Only returning once he blinked a few times, a nice wave of nausea along with it.

Cas' hands were on his shoulders, keeping him upright, Sam's finger weakly resting on his friend's arm.

"Sorry, guess I'm still a little dizzy from the...possessions. I'll be alright." He apologized, taking a step back.

...Only that was a mistake as well. another round of lightheadedness stabbed his body, his knees starting to weaken and shake.

"Sam, allow me to help you? Please?"

Sam swallowed and blinked a few more times to re-right the world, "Yeah. 'S probably a good idea."

Cas put an arm around Sam and half carried the man to his bed. The journey took it's toll on Sam, by the time they reached the room, he was sweaty and drained and paler than before.

"I'll be okay, Cas. J's need some sleep." Sam slurred, trying to reassure his friend.

Cas didn't say anything, not wanting to waste Sam's energy on anything more, but resolved to let the man rest and only come back every so often to make sure he was alright.

"Goodnight, Sam."

"Mhm." Sam sighed, burying his face in his pillow. "Hey Cas."

"Yes, Sam?"

"Thank you. Y'r a good fr'nd."

Cas doubted Sam would even remember saying it when he woke up, but for now he was going to take it to heart. He may not be able to fix all of Heaven's problems, but this he could do.

This he could do.

**{-0-}**


End file.
